


we won't shine forever

by cngkyns



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Platonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-07-14
Packaged: 2018-11-15 13:29:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11231988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cngkyns/pseuds/cngkyns
Summary: Wherein Kihyun loses his vision and the sunshine no longer shines.





	1. Chapter 1

When Jooheon steps out of the hospital room at three in the morning, the corridors are mainly empty, dark and silent. Even the remaining nurses and janitors stand around in their places, unmoving in exhaustion. Almost eerie. He stretches his sore back, a loud yawn escaping out of him, and blinks sleepily, tears pooling at the edge of his eyes. As he turns around to the direction of the lifts, he jumps at the sight of a crouching man outside the door, a crown of bluish gray buried in his hands, his shoulders wracking up and down in a silent sob. Jooheon rubs at his eyes, sure that he's dreaming right now, but then the man looks up and his suspicions are confirmed. 

 

Minhyuk sends him a watery smile. "How's Kihyun?" 

 

Jooheon blinks again, then returns the smile. "He's doing fine. The surgery went well and they're letting him rest for a bit." 

 

His friend sighs, the tension in his shoulders deflating. Minhyuk wipes his eyes with the back of his hand, letting out a shuddery breath. "Are... are his eyes okay?"

 

Jooheon winces. Immediately, his friend's posture drops again. 

 

"I don't know. They said something about the impact of the airbag and retinal detachment and..." He pauses. "He might go permanently blind."

 

Silent. Minhyuk freezes in his place, his hands curling and opening, eyebrows coming together in what seems to be comprehension. Then a fresh wave of tears gather in his eyes and he starts sobbing again, his cries muffled by his still-bloodied sleeves, his head buried between his knees. Jooheon collapses beside his friend, wrapping an arm around his thin shoulders and pulling them together. 

 

"Don't cry, hyung. Don't cry-"

 

"It was my fault, wasn't it?" Minhyuk asks between his tears. "He's all blind because of me, wasn't it?"

 

"Shh, hyung, you shouldn't say that. Don't cry, okay?"

 

"It was my fault, Heonie. I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have offered to drive. I shouldn't have invited you guys to the beach-"

 

"Hyung, what happened has happened. It wasn't your fault, trust me. Kihyun-hyung is alright, the doctors said it themselves, he said it himself. You shouldn't cry, hyung."

 

"But will he forgive me?" Minhyuk sniffs. "Who could forgive someone who made you blind?"

 

Jooheon shakes his head. "It wasn't your fault. Kihyun-hyung doesn't have anything against you in the first place. He won't be angry. I promise."

 

"Then whose fault was it, Heonie?" Minhyuk inhales, exhales, inhales with shaky breaths. "If it wasn't mine, whose fault was it?" His cries turn silent as he hides himself into Jooheon's torso, the material of his shirt absorbing his cries. "Whose fault was it?"

 

His friend pats his back, strokes his hair, pats his shoulders. "No one's, hyung. Sometimes the world goes wrong and you just have to accept it." 

 

His words go unheard as Minhyuk wails into his arms.

 

 

 

 

Kihyun spends three weeks in the hospital with a bandage wrapped around his eyes. This loss of vision, the lack of colours and light in his world, it's a new sensation to him, akin to feeling lost under a midnight sky with no stars or moon to guide him. He tries to remember what the world looked like, but it's hard when he's been unconscious for days and his brain could only do so much at a time. Brain trauma, the doctors called it, as a result of the impact of the airbag. It blew up in his face, his eyeballs pushed back in the socket, his retinas somehow detaching, and his vision now severed. He can't recall the memory in his mind's eye anymore, but he still remembers everything else- the piercing screams, the cracking of the windshield, the screeching tires against the road, a flash of his life across his eyes, a force that almost flew him out of his seat. 

 

And Minhyuk beside him. 

 

His heart rate picks up, his hands ball into fists. Kihyun feels a surge of rage flowing through him at the remembrance, how his friend carelessly drove around the bend without slowing down, how the car crushed in front of them as they hit the tree. How they'd been yelling out to their songs a moment ago, but he shouted out "be careful Minhyuk!", how said driver laughed away his reminder. It had been his fault. His fault that his eyes were damaged and he lost his sight and he can no longer see the world the way he used to, the way he wants to.

 

It was Minhyuk's fault. 

 

Without light, his sense of time diminishes and all he's left with is the telltale ticks of the clock on the wall above him. Kihyun loses track of the days he spends in the ward, letting the other injuries on his body heal, letting his body adapt to the surgery, letting himself adjust to a new environment. He hears a constant stream of footsteps from the corridor, echoing up and down whether he thinks it's daytime or night. He feels the warmth of the sunlight against his palms when it's daytime, contrasting the cold air of the room, a familiarity among the strangeness. He hears the visits from his family and friends, touches the flowers they give him, tastes the food they offer, and clings onto their hands for comfort. Their visits all blend into one.

 

Until Minhyuk comes. 

 

Kihyun had been sitting straight on his bed, because lying down too much made him nauseous than he already was. Even with the bandage wrapped around the head, he stares at the direction of the sunlight coming in from the window, his fingers wiggling around under the warmth. His ears, heightened ever since he lost his sight, picks up the signs of footsteps on the tiled floor and he tilts his head. Someone is coming. 

 

The door pushes open and a bouquet of flowers peek out from the doorway. A crown of bluish grey hair appears next, then a light grey hoodie, and then Minhyuk emerges from the doorway. His heart in his throat, he clutches the bouquet of flowers hard and approaches the bed carefully, afraid that even in his state and with all the restrains, Kihyun would physically lash out at him. He makes way to the dresser beside the bed first and places the bouquet among the rest. 

 

Kihyun, unable to stand the quiet intruder, decides to speak first. "Who are you?"

 

Minhyuk gulps. He doesn't dare turn around to face the other, despite the other not being able to see him. 

 

"Are you the nurse? Jooheon? Changkyun? Hyunwoo-hyung?" Kihyun questions. 

 

Minhyuk takes a deep breath to calm his fluttering heart. He taps the side of his thigh, _one, two, three_ , then turns around and opens his mouth. 

 

"Hey Kihyun. It's me, Minhyuk." 

 

His friend shuts his mouth. All of a sudden, the tension in the room weighs twice it was before.

 

His heart almost leaps out of his throat. 

 

"I- uh, I'm sorry I only visited you today. I was waiting for the right time, the car had to go in for repairs and I had to heal my wounds too, but they're not very bad, of course, and then I was gonna drop by the florist to buy some flowers because I felt bad, really, and then I wanted to visit a few days ago but then I heard you were unable to see visitors, so I waited for a few more days when no one else was visiting and I asked around and chose today and I'm really sorry-"

 

"Don't bother." Kihyun interrupts in a cold tone. 

 

"-that I...what?"

 

"Don't bother visiting." Kihyun throws his glance towards the direction of the sunlight, his fingers now curled in his palms. 

 

Minhyuk frowns. He waits for a few seconds, his fingers fidgeting with the edges of the dresser, then continues, "Listen, I'm really sorry about the crash and I know it's my fault-"

 

"Don't apologise, either." His friend's voice took on a colder, harsher tone. "I don't want you here."

 

"But Ki," Minhyuk persists. "I really wanted to visit you because I felt really bad and I know it's my fault, I wish it didn't happen, I wish I didn't drive you guys-"

 

"You apologising won't return my eyesight back," Kihyun interjects. One of his hands raise up to touch the bandage wrapped around his eyes. "You doing anything won't return my eyesight back."

 

Minhyuk sighs. "I know, Kihyun, and I wish it wasn't the case, I know nothing can be done anymore but I don't want to leave it like this. I'm sincerely sorry, Ki, and no matter what I do, it won't change anything, but I don't want to lose you this way, especially since...since I've lost your eyesight too. Please forgive me."

 

Kihyun takes a deep breath. If he wasn't sitting up straight, Minhyuk would have thought that his friend fell asleep somewhere in the middle of his apology. The room falls into an abrupt stillness. 

 

"Forget it."

 

He jumps at the sudden voice. "Wh-what do you mean?"

 

"Forget it, Lee Minhyuk. We're not friends anymore. No friend would lose my eyesight like this."

 

"But-"

 

"If being friends with you led me to this, then I'd rather not see you at all. Not when I can't see anymore. So get out." 

 

"Kihyun, I-"

 

"Or I'll blacklist you."

 

Minhyuk freezes. He retracts his fingers away. "Kihyun. Please don't do this."

 

"I will if you don't get out within ten seconds."

 

His heart drops. "Kihyun. Please. What happened to our ten year friendship?"

 

"You caused me to go blind, that's what," Kihyun spits. "Nurse!" 

 

Minhyuk's eyes widen. 

 

"Nurse! There's an intruder in my room!"

 

He quickly pushes himself off the dresser and dashes away from the room, the door swinging in his hurry. 

 

The next time Kihyun gets a visit, three days after Minhyuk fled from the hospital, his ears perk up at the familiar sound of footsteps and he sits rigid in his place. As the door clacks open, he snarls, "Lee Minhyuk, if it's you again, I'm going to block you from my life and I'll burn everything that is yours-"

 

"It's me, hyung." Jooheon's distinct voice fills in the room. His footsteps approach his bed, and the end of the bed dips with his weight. Jooheon stands up and pats on the mattress to make sure he's not sitting on Kihyun's legs, then sits back down. "Why are you so mad?"

 

Kihyun huffs, tossing his head to the other side. "That darn bastard Lee Minhyuk tried to apologise yesterday. He thinks I'd forgive him for what he's done." 

 

"Minhyuk-hyung visited?" Jooheon asks. "He didn't tell me that." 

 

"He did. Came in all sorry, but he wasn't sorry when he drove that car. The asshole," Kihyun seethes.

 

Jooheon hits the mattress. "Hyung, don't be like that. It was a blind spot. Anyone could've made the mistake."

 

"I told him to be careful, Jooheon," Kihyun counters. "I told him to be careful, but he laughed in my face and went ahead anyway, so he crashed that tree and now I'm blind and Hyungwon's injured and I don't even know what's of Hoseok-"

 

Jooheon rolls his eyes. "They're fine. They're all fine. Hyungwon was just discharged yesterday, but he's completely healed." His friend adds in a smaller voice, "It's just you who got hurt the most." 

 

"Yeah. Me. I'm the one who went blind. I wasn't even in the driver's seat! If that bastard was the one who went blind then it's understandable, the impact should hit him the most, but I'm the one who wasn't close to the tree and I'm the one saved by an airbag! So why did I go blind?"

 

His friend sighs. "I don't know, hyung, things happen-"

 

"Did that bastard even suffer any injury? Did his leg break? Did his head bleed? No. He was the one who crashed into the tree, the one to crash against the steering wheel, yet he went unscathed. What kind of bastard-"

 

"Kihyun-hyung, you're taking things out of proportion," his friend chides. "Of course he suffered from injuries too. He had several cuts to the face and had a bruise somewhere on his head, though I don't know if he's fully healed yet. Like I said, it's just...it's just you, hyung, who suffered the most." 

 

Kihyun growls. "And tell me why is that."

 

"Huh?"

 

"Why did I suffer the most then?"

 

Jooheon shrugs. "I don't know? Why are you asking me?"

 

"What, are you gonna tell me it's fate? Are you gonna tell me it's luck? Are you gonna tell me that I had a bad past life, so now I'm getting punished?" 

 

Jooheon frowns. "Hyung, if you're gonna be like this-"

 

"Tell me, Heonie!" Kihyun thumps his mattress. "What did I do to deserve this, huh? Was it on purpose?"

 

"Hyung!"

 

"After all I did for Lee Minhyuk, after all the help I gave him, all the ten years in our friendship, he gave me this. This." He jabs at the bandage around his eyes. "What's the meaning of this?!"

 

"Hyung!" Jooheon hits the portable table near the bed, sending it across the room and knocking it against the wall. The end of the bed lifts again as he stands up, his feet thudding on the floor. "Look, if you're gonna be like this, then I'm gonna leave you, okay? You're clearly upset-"

 

"I'm fucking _boiling_ , Jooheon-"

 

"-and you're blowing things out of proportion. I came here to cheer you up, but that's clearly impossible, so I'll be leaving." His footsteps lead away from the bed and into the corridor outside. "Call me when you've calmed down." 

 

The door closes in place. Kihyun fumes in his bed. 

 

 

 

 

Minhyuk sits on the edge of his bed, his backed hunched over, his chin perched on top of his palm. The lights are off and his house is silent- his roommate is nowhere to be found at this time of the night- giving him all the space he needs for reflection. For his thoughts. 

 

He understands Kihyun's anger. Really. He can see why Kihyun would lash out at him like that, and truth be told, if he was in the other's shoes, Minhyuk would act just the same, maybe even worse. He wouldn't be welcome to the person who made him blind. But still... 

 

In their ten years of friendship, they'd fought countless times; the first when they fought over a girl in middle school, only to find out that she was dating someone else. They'd made up with each other by binging bags of chips at late night under the stars, tossing the crumbs over the steps to Minhyuk's backyard, giggling and huddling in the night chill. They'd fought another time in high school, when Kihyun left out his part of their project and Minhyuk almost lost half his grades in the subject. He'd been pissed, absolutely pissed, that Kihyun- responsible, nagging Kihyun- would simply leave out his work and push the blame to his best friend, only to find out that Kihyun was hospitalised the week before. He broke down crying in front of his best friend, wretched with guilt. And last year, they'd had a cold war that lasted a month because Kihyun ditched him on his birthday in favour of a date. His best friend apologized with a three-course homemade meal. He'd been more than happy to wolf it down.  

 

Looking back, none of their fights ever lasted for more than a month, nor have they stopped seeing each other. Their tight friendship group makes it hard to avoid each other, after all; wherever the group is, Kihyun and Minhyuk would always be there. More often than not, the quiet ones in the group- usually Hyunwoo or Changkyun- played as diplomats and bridged them back together, no matter how stubborn they were. After all, one without the other unbalanced everyone else. 

 

Minhyuk ruffles his hair. He doesn't know just how much Kihyun meant his words the day he visited the hospital. Is he really going to cut him off? Even when he brought him flowers and a speech in apology? Even after he paid the hospital bill? 

 

Why did Kihyun have to be so harsh? 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minhyuk has some time alone- at least for a while.

The days following after feel alien to Minhyuk. No texts from Kihyun, no angry morning calls, no Hyunwoo or Changkyun or even Jooheon coming in to drop by a message from said best friend- or ex-best friend. He wastes away his days resting in his bed and taking calls from his family: his mother shouting at him for worrying them too much and causing trouble for his friends, then asking if he wants some food from home; his father lecturing him long and hard about driving safety and the responsibilities of driving; his younger brother and sister taking turns on the phone asking about his condition, whether he wants company, whether he wants to see their dog, whether he wants extra blankets in his flat. Minhyuk smiles at his siblings' antics and declines sweetly. It's alright, hyung just needs time to himself, he tells them. And it's the truth.

He hasn't been fine since Kihyun cut him off like that.

This isn't the first time Minhyuk experienced this. A blank, empty state, marked by drifting thoughts and a slight, numbing sadness, everything that he senses coming unhinged. It had been years since his first time, and years since his second time- years, too, since the secret lines on his arms and thighs appeared and he spiralled into...into this blank space. This void? He isn't really sure what to call it. This numbness, he supposes.

He was sure his friends, Hyungwon and Hoseok and Changkyun and the rest, were still healing and resting at home (and hopefully not bearing grudges against him). He was also sure his other friends outside of their circle would steer clear out of their way, not wanting to be associated with the mess known as Lee Minhyuk. And he was absolutely certain that his family wouldn't visit him, not when they live so far away and Minhyuk reassured them, over and over, that he was fine. That he needed some time alone. Those words were more than enough for his family to understand.

So, when he was lounging half-asleep on his bed, watching the sun rise higher and higher in the sky, the door to his bedroom suddenly opens. Minhyuk jumps underneath his blanket.

"Minji-ah, I told you oppa is fine alone-" Minhyuk calls out, expecting his sister to enter.

Then the door widens and Jooheon appears in the room with a sheepish smile on his face.

"Hey, hyung," the younger greets him, his voice somehow cheery and light. Jooheon places a plastic container on his table- it vaguely smells like fried rice; Minhyuk's stomach rumbles and he remembers he forgot to eat breakfast- then Jooheon grabs an office chair beneath his friend's desk and swivels it around until it's facing the bed. He plops himself on it. "What're you doing?"

Minhyuk, still recovering from his sudden appearance, blinks and gestures vague shapes in the air. "Just... resting, you know? Uh, healing."

Jooheon nods. "That's great. Are you much better now?"

"Yeah." His friend shrugs. "The cuts are closing up."

"I can see. You look much better now. But- uh, listen," Jooheon cuts. The mood changes when he leans forward with his elbows on his knees, clasping his fingers together in a businesslike posture. Minhyuk raises an eyebrow at the movement. "I was gonna talk to you about other stuff. About Kihyun..."

He frowns. He doesn't want to talk about it now. "Yeah. He's mad. I know."

"No, not that... I mean, yes, that too, but," Jooheon trails off. He pauses for words, eyes searching the floor, then settles with a scratch to the back of his head and a wince. "Sorry about that."

"About what?"

"He got mad at you, didn't he?" He exhales slowly. "I thought he'd be fine."

Minhyuk casts his eyes down. "Yeah. So did I."

"I don't think he knows you paid the bill."

He furrows his brows. "...No?"

Jooheon chuckles. "No wonder."

Minhyuk tilts his head. "How did you know that?" he asks. "I thought I told them to keep silent. And, I don't know, tell Kihyun if he asks."

"He won't know until he's discharged and he doesn't have to pay, so you've nothing to worry about," Jooheon points out. "Anyway, I have my way of finding things."

Minhyuk narrows his eyes. "Okay then. So what did you come here for?"

His friend purses his lips together, showing off the deep dimples, and shrugs. "Just. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for bringing your hopes up. I really thought he'd be fine, since you went out of your way and all that. You even went to visit him after your concussion, didn't you?"

"How did you know that?" Minhyuk asks again. "This is getting creepy, Jooheon."

His friend rolls his eyes. "Hyung, I visited Kihyun-hyung a few days ago. How else would I know?"

"Oh..." He nods his head. "That makes sense." Their conversation trails off into silence.

Jooheon suddenly leans forward again. His eyes turn serious and narrow, his gaze intensifying, and then his eyebrows dip lower.

Minhyuk feels warmth prickle near his neck. He tries not to chuckle. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

His friend cocks his head. "You don't look okay."

"Well, I still am healing-"

"No, emotional wise," Jooheon interrupts. "You don't look good."

Minhyuk pauses his words. Really, of all the times his friend reads him, he reads him at a time like this, when all he wants to do is be alone, and, well, fix the void that he feels. After all, he experienced that same void some years down, and he was able to cure himself by isolation just fine, so this unexpected visit, although welcome, wasn't exactly sitting well with him. So, scrunching his nose, Minhyuk replies, "I guess you could say that."

His friend opens his mouth, wanting to say something, but he closes it and swallows his words, his voice abruptly cut off. Minhyuk raises an eyebrow. What did he want to say?

Instead of continuing the conversation further, Jooheon stands up. "I, um, I was gonna stay for longer but I have some errands to run," he abruptly announces. "Gonna buy some groceries and visit the rest. Changkyun and Hyunwoo and everyone else."

Minhyuk frowns. Jooheon suddenly declaring to leave? Something must've passed through his mind. But Minhyuk doesn't object- instead, he replies, "Oh. Okay then. Um, tell them I said hi. And that I'm sorry."

His friend smiles. "Will do." Jooheon pushes the chair back in place under the table and pats it one more time. Before he turns around, he adds, nodding towards the plastic container on the table, "And hyung, remember to eat the fried rice. I picked it up from your usual restaurant right before I came, so it's still a little warm."

Minhyuk blinks. A smile of appreciation forms on his face. "Thanks, Jooheon-ah."

"It's no problem." Jooheon tosses a smile of his own in return. "And one more thing, hyung. Don't be too sad, yeah?"

Minhyuk freezes. He detects a knowing tilt to the end of that sentence. "Y-yeah."

The door of his bedroom closes and Jooheon disappears from view, leaving him behind the smell of kimchi fried rice and a sense of gaping loneliness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i had a neat plot going on but it ballooned up and i lost grip on the story welp 
> 
> as you can probably tell by now, it's gonna be updated slowly but i hope you'll stick around !! 

**Author's Note:**

> first time writing angst woowoo anyway i'm really sorry about this asdlfkjh the teaser made me super excited abt things and this came out
> 
>  
> 
> i wanted to post the fic before the mv drops but i'm still not done yet so i'll be posting it in parts! hope you enjoyed!


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